Death is the perfect awakener. Recently I was doing some inner work using suggestions from Spiritual Warrior, John-Roger. The task was to answer a few questions regarding death. “What would you do if you knew you were going to die soon.” I gave that some thought and immediately began with “I must finish my will.” Naturally I want my kids to receive whatever I have. I thought about a couple other things related to organizing my affairs and then stopped.
Wow, here I am thinking about the last couple weeks of my life, and I have not considered what “I” might want. I’ve heard people say they’d travel, go to those places they’ve always longed to see, and that made sense to me as a lover of travel until I actually started to imagine it. Presuming I’d be in a pretty fragile state of mind, would I really want to go somewhere I’ve never been?
So I redirected, aligned and asked myself again, this time I took more time to visualize what I might want without considering anyone else. What I realized is that if I could get beyond the panic and the fear and the resistance there would be the simplicity. My first husband died at age 34 and a close girl-friend at 43, based on what I learned from their graceful exits, I think I’d want to say my goodbyes early on. I would take more walks, and make art, lots of art while listening to books and music on CD. Also, I’m pretty certain I would want to be near the sea, and maybe that’s all I really want now…
As women, we often consider the needs of others before our own. I’ve been engaging self-compassion in my life for many years and yet here I was thinking, oh right, dying, better get things in order. Certainly my MO, practical girl that I am. And yet, how sad. it was a good exercise. It helped me look at my needs from a new perspective.
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