When I first started my coaching business, I had high hopes and dreams. From the time I was 13-years of age, I’ve wanted to be of assistance to others. I have successfully started other businesses, but what I didn’t know is that solopreneurship is not like other businesses. I created a plan, worked the plan continuously, I watched hundreds of webinars, hired business coaches and left my comfort zone behind. I threw myself into the action of making it happen. When after two years I didn’t seem to be any closer to my goals I, like so many women, assumed it was me personally. I felt embarrassed and inwardly thought, “What’s wrong with me?” This thought is disturbingly familiar. In our careers, our health, and relationships we often search for fault when things don’t look the way we expected. Many people experience this when they receive a negative diagnosis; they feel they must have done something wrong, for which the illness is a punishment. This core belief will cause far more damage to your happiness than any external event. We erroneously think, “If I create my reality, it should look the way I want.”
Acknowledging Where You Are
For the past couple weeks I’ve been sharing the 4 Column Sheet – a tool for systematically reaching for what you want, Post One talks about determining your desire. In Post Two the focus was accepting wherever you are as a starting point. Like a GPS device, you must have both coordinates to develop a route from A to B. To find the words that describe your inner experience; you must take an interest in how you feel on the inside. We avoid this so effectively by projecting any discomfort outward toward circumstances or others. Years ago I lived with a sort of undercurrent of despair; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This feeling became my baseline. It was so familiar that I didn’t realize it was there, I still had highs and lows, so the vague foreboding seemed normal to me. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of discovering the truth of where you are. What are your emotional beliefs? To get where you want to go, you must start from where you authentically are.
Choose a Better Feeling
Once you acknowledge where you are, how do you choose to feel a little bit better? You’ll see that in the chart below the “improvement” may not seem like a happy or even positive one. In the past couple of posts on creating your reality, I talk about how we can’t go from depressed to happy overnight. There is a sequence, you’ve probably heard of the stages of grief. Emotional Scale Theory is a component of the study of emotional intelligence which postulates that there is a hierarchy of emotion. Try it for yourself. What I’m suggesting with this chart is a slightly better feeling which increases with your attention on feeling better rather than focusing on the problem which makes things worse. The chart below lists only two spaces for this transition, take as many as you need, this is only an example.
Caring About Yourself
Sometimes when we are stuck, talking with others only leads us to argue for our limitations. You might hear yourself say, “But there are no decent jobs for my skill level.” or maybe you’ve heard this one, “All the great guys are already married.” In other words, it sounds logical, but you’re perpetuating the beliefs that keep you stuck. The pivotal point is choosing to take responsibility for how you feel. Notice I’m not encouraging responsibility for the circumstances, I’m saying, choose how you respond to the situation. Herein lies the turning point, are you willing to care about how you feel? If so, can you observe when you are wallowing in the emotion or fear, that is taking you down, and stop? Choose a better feeling, then a slightly better one after that and inch your way back to solid ground.
This process takes practice, but it is incredibly worth the effort because once you catch on, your whole life opens up. You are no longer stuck; you are no longer powerless.
I would love to help you with this process. Email me and we can set up a time for a free discovery session.